Living, Loving, and Legacy

TON - March/April 2014 Vol 7 No 2

Angela Long is the founder and creator of Breast Investigators. Breast Investigators serves as a comprehensive resource guide to help those affected by breast cancer readily gain access to quality information, care, assistance, and support. Visit www.BreastInvestigators.com.


“At the end of our lives we all ask, ‘Did I live? Did I love? Did I matter?’” Brendon Burchard

After a nearly fatal car accident, Brendon Burchard, author of The Charge, said that at that pivotal moment on death’s doorstep, he asked himself 3 questions that to this day help him live life more fully. “Did I live? Did I love? Did I matter?”

I’ve never been in a car accident in which my life was endangered, but I did see my life flash before my eyes when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. During my treatment and for quite some time thereafter, I spent many sleepless nights pacing the house asking myself whether I had lived, loved, and made my life matter. I questioned whether I had loved with my whole heart and had let my love be known. Most importantly, I wondered how I would be remembered, or whether I would be remembered at all, by my two children, who were only 5 and 2 at that time. When we receive a cancer diagnosis, we hope that our diagnosis does not mean we have reached the end of our life, but the shattering news causes us to examine our life with new lenses.

Have I Lived?
“It is not the things we do in life that we regret on our death bed. It is the things we do not...Find your passion and follow it.”

Randy Pausch

I was 35 when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Despite my young age, I felt some peace when reflecting on my 35 years. I had not done or seen nearly all that I wanted to, but I had traveled and had enjoyed many experiences that I had dreamed of as a child. What I regretted was that I had played it safe. I hadn’t taken risks. I hadn’t dreamed big. I would change that when given my “second chance.” I stopped sweating the small stuff and started concentrating on the big picture. My friend, and cancer survivor, Jan Brown shares a similar experience. She says that after her cancer diagnosis, “Things that seemed so important became trivial. I learned to just get over myself.” A cancer diagnosis may also teach us to appreciate the moments. We often become more present in our everyday experiences and soak them in through channels of gratitude we hadn’t known before. Cheryl Stoppiella explained what cancer taught her: “Don’t just stop to smell the roses. Touch them and be sure to pick some to share with your loved ones. Every moment, no matter how insignificant, has a miracle in it.”

Have I Loved?
“Carve your name on hearts, not tombstones. A legacy is etched into the minds of others and the stories they share about you.”

Shannon L. Alder

When it comes to love and relationships, I have to admit my epiphanies did not come all at once. But they came far more quickly once I became more aware of the precious commodity of time. I became acutely focused on spending my time and energy on the relationships that mattered most to me. I began to weed out those relationships that—for whatever reason—didn’t matter as much. I instinctively began to tune into the difference between giving my unconditional love versus maintaining unconditional relationships that did not create healthy connections.

Cancer compelled me to work to honor my loved ones for who they are, regardless of how I think they should be. I love them warts and all and expect them to love me the same. Though cancer can take its toll on the best of marriages and leave already vulnerable relationships in shambles, my experience was to the contrary. My husband and I have had a strong friendship and bond since first meeting in high school. After battling cancer together, that love and bond only grew stronger. Vicki Tashman, founder of Pink-Link breast cancer support network, also found that her diagnosis strengthened her marriage. She says that she and her husband are “more emotionally intimate” than they were prior to her breast cancer. I believe part of that comes from being vulnerable and allowing ourselves to be honest with all of our emotions. Vicki said, “At the beginning of my journey, he said to me, ‘I can’t wait until you get back to normal.’ I replied, ‘Well, there’s going to be a new normal and I hope you’re on for the ride!’”

Have I Mattered?
“Live today the way you want to be remembered tomorrow.”

Dillon Burroughs

When I would look at the faces of my two beautiful children, I knew that my life had mattered. Less certain of the significance my life had outside of being a mom, I made a promise to God that if he got me through, I would use my experience to make a difference in the lives of others. He has held me to it.

I know I am not alone in my promise, as there are thousands of scholarships, foundations, nonprofits, and businesses that have emerged from the single seed of such grateful emotion.

Leaving a legacy certainly doesn’t mean one needs to start a nonprofit or volunteer the rest of one’s life away. Time and reflection have taught me that our legacy lives within our every day. Sometimes what seems insignificant to us can move mountains for others. Our job, our family, and our daily exchanges with those we encounter are opportunities for us to leave our mark on the world and in the hearts of others.

I would not imply that cancer is all about enlightenment. If we are fortunate to have positive revelations about our life and how we want to live after cancer, these revelations are most often entwined with many days, months, and sometimes years of sadness, anxiety, and possibly depression. Through time and healing, with support and a lot of reflection, it is more than possible to gain a new and more positive outlook on life following a cancer diagnosis. As a response to those 3 questions I asked myself after diagnosis, I have vowed to spend the rest of my days living a life of service: first, service to myself in living the life that I dream; second, service to my loved ones by loving with my whole heart and without condition; and last, service to others by working toward things that matter and make a difference in the biggest and even the smallest ways.

If you would like a list of resources surrounding the topics of living, loving, and legacy, email me at angela@breastinvestigators.com.

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